Almost a year later

I still think about you. You still cross my mind everyday and I don't know what to think. I always go back to the days when we started and how everything was perfect. I think about how we started in a negative way and I regret that the most. I wish we had never lied to my parents when you first came over and I know that most of our problems were my fualt. I was mistrustful and jealous. I never wanted to share you and I always felt like I was when you were around him. You were so wonderful, I always felt like you would be swept away by someone who was older and seemed to be more mature. I was worried that you would be drug into old habits and begin to see that those habits had no place in my life and you would leave me. It wasn't because I thought he was better than me, I just thought you would like to live a life I couldn't with him. I worried every day because I knew you desired a life that had more country fun in it and I knew I would never be able to supply it. It makes me wonder if I had been different, maybe more like Scott or Sheldon you would have been happier. It makes me wonder if being with me made you live a lie; it makes me wonder if you were the real you. I never wanted you to leave but after I started to live my life in relation to yours... I knew then that it was over. I couldn't keep smoking weed and drinking to make it seem like I was someone you could spend the rest of your life with. It makes me sad thinking about our time together. I regret always wanting more sex or always wanting you to be different once I began to see my life wouldn't coincide with yours. I loved you so much, it broke my heart when I realized this.

Unfair

You want to know whats unfair? Its fucking unfair that i make you squirm, make you moan, i make you feel like heaven, and you just blow me off. Every fucking time. You just say, "i really dont want to", or "my parents will wake up". Im tired of being let down like that. I really want you, and i understand that we cant always have sex, but it would be nice if you would take a step out of your comfort zone, and give me some love. Would that be so difficult? Just touch me like i touch you, make me feel how i make you feel. I try so hard to please you, and you dont.. It hurts not because im sexually deprived, but because it feels like i try harder than you do to please. It hurts because i feel like im the only one putting everything into this relationship, and it sucks, because im being neglected.

Homecoming.

So, im sitting in my favorite class writing this blog post, and im thinking, "HOLY FUCK! I told myself that i would never get this involved in this "SCHOOL SPIRIT" shit.". I look back to the last time i sat in this room and voiced my opinion (DEATH TO ALL SCHOOL SPIRIT AND PEP--ASSEMBLIES). I think about how much i miss this room, this teacher, this class. I think about how much i miss the way this room would all of a sudden flare up with excitment, with opinion. How it would fill with the ideas of young, and intelligent minds. How i could put myself out there and be okay because everyone else was doing the same thing. How i could say what i wanted, how i wanted, at anytime. I know it was a caotic way to run a classroom, and not everyone enjoyed it, but fuck them. This class was the best thing that ever happend to my so far insignificant life. This is the place i started to believe in myself and my abilities. This is were i became the human being i am, with all of my morals and beliefs. This is were the seed of greatness was planted in me. It wasnt on some playing field were boys ran around and smashed into each other, or were you try and throw a ball around as hard as possible. No, it was here, with all your crazy disscusions, all of your journal entries, all the books that we read. It was you, you made the difference in who i am, and who im going to be. So i hope that you Humphrey know that you made the difference in me, and i thank you for that. So whatever the fuck your doing, keep it up, because all the kids you have that are like me, your making all the difference.

Fuck You.

Im tired of the bullshit that you treat me with. Im so fucking tired of your rudeness, and of you taking my love for granted. I hate how little effort you put into our relationship, and im tired of the way you act around me. I miss the way you would smile huge whenever you saw me, i miss the way you would give up anything just to hang out with me, i miss the way you would stand up for me, and i miss the jessica i feel in love with. I miss the way that you would kiss me and smile, and i miss the way you would never let go of me. I miss the way that after each and every kiss, you look into my eyes and love me. When i could look at you and see the love you felt for me. I miss that no matter what was going on, you would stand by me, and accept me for who i am. I hate that now a days i dont seem to be good enough for you, and that im just an embarrassment to you.
I REALLY FUCKING HATE SAM! She is the super bitch of all super bitches. I hate the way she talks to me, i hate the way she continues to treat me, and i hate the way that she changes you. I hate the way that she thinks less of me, and i hate that when she says something, you go along with it. I hate that you dont seem to give a shit what i say about her, even if it shows how much of a bitch she is, or how she is a terrible friend, but when she "tells" you how stupid i am, or how much of a douche i am, you believe it. That she can convince you to lie to me, and you go along with it because you think that im dumb enough and enough of your bitch to just go along with it.

Waste of Space

I lvobe you. See you tomnoerrpw... Yea. right.
I hate that. I really hate that right now im at home, listening to depressing music, while your drunk off your ass with your two best friends. I hate that your the one limiting me. Keeping me from making friends. Keeping me from enjoying other people. Making it harder harder to be from you. I hate that as i wright this, im bawling like a baby. I hate that i cant even summon the courage to ask someone to hang out on my day alone, and that im hiding from my sister so i can write this. I hate that no one in my family understands that im so lonely, and that i love them, they just dont give me what i need sometimes. That i need someone else.. I hate that i hurt them constantly. I just cant begin to convey to them how i feel. I dont know how. I feel so alone all the time. I feel that people just dont want anything to do with me. Its not that they dont like me, or that im a dick. People just dont think im fun, or enjoyable. Its so hard to walk at school, and see all the friendly faces, and know that they really dont care. They just respect me. They just walk by, and dont look back. Not even the girl who says she loves me. I feel like she doesnt understand the important parts of me. I feel like she just thinks things are perfect, and couldnt be better, but i wish that things were different. I wish that i had a life, that i had dreams, that i had aspirations. But i dont. And i dont know why. I dont know why i dont care about myself, and where im going to be in a few years. I hate myself. So much. I feel like i have done nothing, that im nothing. That i have no purpose, and wont have one. Im just going to end up wasting space like so many other wastes on the planet. I have no drive to do anything. I have no pride in myself. I just feel alone.

Alone
at last the crowd cheers
I take my step forward,
and see the light

Its bright in my face
I can hardly see the thousand face-less faces
all looking back at me
blank

Useless
thats what we are
these face-less faces
and I

They raise their glasses
the swing down there drink and cheer
cheer for the pointlessness of our now shared destiny
because thats what i am now.

Just a face-less face
alone